So yesterday was my last day serving as one of the pastors at my church. Yesterday was such a bittersweet day and an end to a season I don’t think I will ever forget but needed to end. Yesterday was the day that one of the hardest decisions I have made became a reality. I left not only the place I have called home in so many ways but also some of the closest friends I have ever made. Yesterday was a bittersweet day. But I should say upfront, if you are looking for a juicy gossip piece about why I left the church, this is not it. This is the first post in a series that I will be writing about leaving, why I left and all of the thoughts and feelings that surround a decision like this.
This first is post about how sometimes, even if something is great, it might not be great for you. Lately I have been bombarded with so many quotes about how you have to leave good in search of great. How sometimes you have to abandon comfort for calling and how you have to walk away from things to make way for your dreams. The thing is, all of these things always sound so great but what I have realized in this last season of my life is that mostly, it all sounds way easier than it actually is. Leaving is hard. Even if you know it is the right thing to do, its hard. Walking away from a job or relationship or anything that is comfortable feels so freeing and terrifying at the same time and that’s exactly what happened to me.
Do you ever feel something and then regret that you felt it? I really liked my job, it was comfortable. I loved the people that I worked with and the organization that I worked for was great. Sure, there were things that I disagreed with, like any place but overall, it was good. But there was always something stirring deep inside of me telling me that I need to leave. But where? To do what? When? These are all very logical questions right? These are the questions that I could pretend I was asking myself to avoid having to do something hard. But eventually the soft quiet feeling became too loud to cover and I knew it was time for me to leave. Certainly the allure of financial security and benefits was enough to make me think twice but I knew that the longer I stayed, the more I ignored that still small voice, the more I began to fear that one day I would find a way to mute it until it was gone and what would happen then? Who would I become? Would that voice ever come back?
I think we all know when we hear that voice right? For me, it was telling me to leave my job. But for some of us that voice is telling us to move, or to leave a relationship or to take a chance on love again, call your mom or your dad, finally start taking care of your body, whatever it is we all have that voice and we can choose to tune it out until it goes silent or we can listen to it and do the really uncomfortably hard and beautiful things.
I am learning that I desperately want my life to be lead by that voice. That doesn’t mean I want to run away from jobs or relationships when they get hard because all jobs are weird and every relationship is hard at times but if you’re like me and you’re reading this and that small voice deep inside is screaming “SHE’S TALKING TO YOU – DO IT” then you have two options; Listen and go on what will probably be an adventure you will never forget or, silence it until the next inspiring thing you read on the internet wakes it up again. The choice is yours.